BLENDING IN

You wanted to stand out at your college graduation.  You wanted to be a visual marvel at your wedding.  Or mirage, whatever the case may be with your current marital situation after that marvelous appearance. 

And you needed to stand out when you were scurrying your way up the ladder of promotions at whatever job you got kicked out of before you landed here in Homeless Nation.

Two places you don't want to stand out in.  A police line-up and Homeless Nation.

 In a police line-up, you want to disappear, but  In Homeless Nation, you  not only do not want to stand out,  You want to blend in.

You'll blend well  enough in the Nation because while you are around a few hundred other people who are in the same neighborhood where it would be difficult to distinguish from sight, smell or feel one street puppy from the other. 

That is, unless, you have a street puppy who is actually lying down on the street, which is a common sight in many street puppy neighborhoods, commonly known as puppy hoods...or poopie hoods if there is a nearby bar or convenience which sells beers by the can.

Now, Street Puppy is going to help you to fix yourself up so that, in the event you want to venture out of the hood for a quick two-dollar cup of coffee, or a real hot dog, or an actual drink in a bar which serves booze by the glass, or just to see what it feels like to be out in the real world where people do not case every house they walk by to figure out if there is sleeping room in the back garden or under the porch.

First of all.  Lose the ski cap. 

It's a dead give-away especially if it is the middle of June and everybody around you is sweltering, and the minute a civilian sees a ski cap, they think...burglar, car-jacker, homeless creep who will pick my pocket.

Second.  Ditto the hoody.  Maybe we should have put that first because Street Puppy has actually seen grown women...and men...yelp and run the other way when they see anybody approaching them who is wearing a hoody. 

The bearer of the hoody could be two years old and in a stroller, or eighty and on a walker, doesn't matter, the public has been conditioned to equate a hoody with bad people, bad karma, bad mojo and usually a knock on the head to get your attention long enough to know the wearer of the hoody is serious about giving up that wallet of yours.

Third.  The back pack.  If you haven't learned by now that back packs scream for attention on the back of anybody other than a college student or an eagle scout, then you have no understanding at all of the wardrobe protocol as it relates to how much you can tote on your body without falling on your face.

And damm near every Street Puppy wears one of those things and they are usually dirty and stinky and falling apart.  Find a nice bush to stow it in and fill up your pockets with only the essentials for a few hours while you make your trek out of the Nation.

Make sure that you wear pants that actually fit, same with shoes, and even if you have to wash it in the sink at Walgreens make sure the shirt is clean.

Wash your hair and fingernails, and your face.  Vigorously.  A good scrub gives a rosy glow which will last long enough that people may think you have spent the afternoon sunning yourself at the top floor pool in your condo building.

Throw a sweater around a neck and let the arms dangle a bit, preferably a cashmere number from the heap at the church give away. 

That alone will give you enough of a preppy appearance, maybe even Euro-trash look so that you can safely meander around any neighborhood or even a mall where the price of a shirt in any store starts at 200 bucks.

The only accessory you should wear or carry is a belt.  Preferably to wear not to carry. 

What we are trying to say here is don't even think about toting a cane you use to help you along with that limp you developed after the third fall down running from the po po, or that fight at the feed.

Something about a cane makes people nervous, and maybe nervous enough for them to take a second look, just long enough to discern that you are indeed an interloper, and Gawd forbid...maybe one of those homeless freaks.

Last, but not least.  Trim the nose hairs.  People who live in homes have appliances to take care of those things.  You don't, and we don't want you to blow the whole picture here by continually reaching up your nostril to pick out one of those things.

These are simple things, but easy to do, and if you master the art of blending in well enough, who knows, one day you may even fool yourself so much into thinking that you are blending in to the real world that you will just walk right out and keep on going.

Leave the ski cap and the hoody behind.

ENTITLEMENTS R US

One thing good about being a Street Puppy is that, yes, at last, you are entitled.

And that means you are eligible to receive gifts, stipends, loans, free stuff, government money and all things which will come your way because you have no place to live, or shower, or watch TV.

In fact, you may say, from the time you hit the street with your backpack, "What's mine is mine,  and what's yours is mine."

Be careful about this gimme, buy me, take me stuff, you may end up, like so many Street Puppies do, getting so used to being on the receiving line of a lot of entitlements that you grow to be very comfortable with just sitting around and letting the world decide your fate for the price of a two-dollar used shirt, and some funky food and a whole lot of small bottles filled with shampoo or body lotion.

Or the pitiful sum that you would receive by selling your food stamps (which is actually a card) for half of the value in order to buy beer, potato chips, a pint of vodka, and/or one of those illegal substances from a Mr. Jit, which will keep you so stoned, that all you can do until you receive the next food stamp deposit is lurch from one free 'feed' to another, and visit all of those free giveaway clothing and hygiene items to replenish your own supply each time you fall asleep on a corner you are so polluted and somebody takes all of your 'stuff.'

It happens.  Frequently.

Then there's the big Kahuna of entitlement, the disability check.  The once a month bonus for whatever it is that ails you to the point that you cannot work.

Streetpuppy has seen many another Streetpuppy lie and con and cheat their way into subsidy heaven, and all for the huge profit of $700 or so bucks a month, give or take a quarter.

Now, that may seem like a lot of money, and to a frugal and fiscally conservative person it would be.  That amount, along with the food stamp money would be enough to enable you to live, if not comfortably, at least not hungry and/or cold and with proper protection against the outdoor weather even if you cannot afford a home.

Alas.  Many Streetpuppys who get that combo of disability check and food stamp money...and darn...don't you know it would all come on the same day in most cases, run off to the nearest motel for the instant gratification of spending one whole week in a crappy room crawling with bed bugs, and run the TV day and night, not hearing it all because they are so whacked out on the 18 packs of Nasty Ice beer and pints of vodka they drag into the room day after day from the convenience store next door which is the only store they can stagger to when the supply of booze runs out.

Usually a quantity of drugs is involved in this hiatus from the street, too so by the time a week has passed, you are not only exhausted from all that walking to the store for the 18 pack, you're still stoned and hung over. 

And broke.

So, it's back to the 'feeds.'  The free clothing giveaways.  The mooching cigarettes and quarters from everybody you know, and a whole lot of strangers who are so put off by your appearance ---you probably forgot to shave that whole week in the motel -- they only give you the quarter so you will take your smelly self away from them.

And back to, maybe stealing a few things along the way to keep that beer and vodka and cigarette and drug money rolling in until the next check and food stamps.

Things like other people's money and belongings.

One of the more frustrating things about Homeless Nation is the utter lack of respect many Streetpuppies show to their fellow puppies.

These particular Streetpuppies will smile into your face then rip off everything you have...usually when you are sleeping. 

Basically, they would give you the shirt off your own back.  And do, regularly.

You're not a mongrel.  You're a Streetpuppy.  Act like one. 

Take that next check and food stamp card and actually use it to buy decent clothing, save to rent a modest room somewhere, and buy something good to eat, like fresh fruit and vegetables.

Do this because you are not entitled to lie and cheat and steal in order to survive.

You are entitled to use the system in order to help you, not hold on to you forever.

Learn to be on the street, but not of the street.