COIN OF THE REALM

There are banks in Homeless Nation, but they hardly know we exist.

Who can blame them? Our nation has no currency, so we can't just walk in, ask if they have a foreign currency exchange desk so we can get some of their currency to buy stuff and expect them not to snicker. What are we going to give them in exchange for the local moolah? A backpack?An old toothbrush? Half a can of Pepsi? They'd probably roll their eyes and say, "This here ain't no flea market, Pal, move on."

So we have had to devise other sustenance strategies. Mankind has been doing that for ages. The time was, way back when there were no banks, we were wee hunter-gathering home sapiens and our sustenance strategy was to procure plants and especially animals from the wild by hunting and foraging, and eventually we got wise to the beasts who could out run us and so we invented specialized tools like clubs, fishing nets, hooks, and bone harpoons. Imagine walking into a bank today with a bone harpoon. You'd get your Fifteen Minutes of Fame....and five years in the slammer.

Anyway, time marched on, and eventually we homo sapiens became barterers. We traded barley for salt; tea for seeds; cattle for wood and so on. Eventually, it was too much to carry around all of that barley, salt, seeds and cattle and wood, we we started to use tokens to represent those things. Coins, first used by the ancient Lydians, and later on, paper, invented by the Chinese. And today, we use paper and coins which represent a whole lot of gold stored somewhere. When you get right down to it, currency is just an abstraction. Unless you don't have any.

Will Rogers, the famous American humorist said, during the Great Depression: "Money was all appropriated for the top in hopes that it would trickle down to the needy." In recent modern day terms, this became known as "Trickle Down Economics," first coined by Ronald Reagan when he was running for the Republican nomination for president. George HW Bush, who was also running for the nomination, said that was just a bunch of "Voodoo Economics."

Voodoo, Schmoodo, we weren't getting any trickle down then, and we still aren't. But we do have these alternate sustenance strategies, and things to use as our coin of the realm...and they will have to do until some of that Voodoo starts trickling down on us.

First, even if you don't smoke, buy some cigarettes. A lot of cigarettes cost just a buck a pack. Ok they taste awful, but they'll do, and if you can't scrounge a buck somewhere, man, you don't belong on the street.

Now, everybody wants a cigarette. Everybody. It is the most commonly used conversation starter here. Most of the time, they will offer to buy the cigarette. The going rate for one cigarette is twenty-five cents. Charge 'em thirty. If it's too early for the store to be open and they're desperate enough, you'll get it. And, if you somehow scored a pack of civilian i.e. Salem, Marlboros, etc, ...okkkayyy...now, we're talkin'...sixty cents. (sometimes someone will ask for a 'short'....that's street speak for a cigarette you are about to stamp under your foot because you smoked it. Don't bother. ) Ok, after a bit, hour at the most, you're sold out and you've just turned one dollar into six dollars. Buy another pack. Hit the noon, or late-riser crowd.
Another hour....now you're got twelve smackeroos. Save one smackeroo for merchandise for the rush-hour crowd and use the other eleven to get some coffee, a hamburger and a coke, maybe a fresh pair of socks, and a bus pass from that other homeless guy over there who is selling used bus passes.

Bus passes. Another item in your sustenance strategy arsenal. You can probably talk a commuter out of his when he exits a bus if he or she is is at their final destination. The pass probably is good for the whole rest of the day or night, and you sell it for, say half the price it would cost if your customer went into the bus station to buy the pass from an agent. If people are being generous that day with their used bus passes, you'll do better than ok. If not, so what, you'll get enough to buy a pack of cigarettes. One caveat here. DO NOT let the ticket agent inside the bus station see what you are doing. I won't go into detail, but you get the drift.

Then, there's SWAG. Swag is a widely used word for loot stolen in a heist, but we're not talking about that. SWAG is also an acronym for, among other things, Sealed With A Gift. My personal favorite however, is Scientific Wild Ass Guess. Swag is usually in a nice little bag and you can get the swag bags just about everywhere. Conventions, trade shows sporting events, homeless charity event giveaways, even some dentist offices. Things like T-shirts, shampoo, undies, toothbrushes, coffee mugs, ski caps...and so on. You'd be surprised what some people put into their swag bags. Once I even had a laxative, tucked right there beside the chocolate muffins. Anyway, don't get sentimental about this stuff. Sell it. Somebody out there needs a t-shirt, some shampoo, a toothbrush, a coffee mug...or even a laxative.

There are lots of other sustenance strategies. Some of them, borderline, uh, legal. and this is a family blog, so we won't go into detail now. But check back after the family hour is over and we will maybe go into depth on some of that borderline stuff. But it will cost ya.