FAUX PAWS

Faux Paws is streetpuppy speak for "faux pas, " a french phrase for "false step," a kind of social blunder; an awkward or tactless act, or a total violation of accepted social norms.

In homeless nation, if you make too many of those faux paws, by displaying a lack of knowledge of proper etiquette - which kind of rhymes with 'tourniquet' - you may end up wearing one of those tourniquets on your paw.


Miss Emily Post popularized the whole notion of proper etiquette by writing a whole lot of books about acceptable behaviour and habits for all classes of people. Etiquette for weddings, funerals, dinners, golf, calculating a waiter's tip, choosing a gift, even how to use mobile technology and what to do when your kid sticks a drinking straw up his nose while you're calculating the waiter's tip. Now that's a total violation of social norms - unless the kid sticks the straw up the waiter's nose, in which case you won't be invited back there anymore anyway, so forget about violating any social norms....and the tip.


In homeless nation, we have our own etiquette advisor, Miss Lucinda Beauregard Puppy. Miss Lucinda has been around homeless nation for awhile, and she is certainly familiar with the most important etiquette here, street etiquette.

And Miss Lucinda has graciously agreed to advise us streetpuppies on street etiquette, which covers a whole different set of social blunders, awkward and tactless acts, and violations of social norms. None of which deal with golf.....or drinking straws up the nose.

Let's start with the easy stuff.

No scratching. That is no scratching yourself in public. I'm not talking about my elbow itches so I think I'll give it a little scratch. I'm talking about, My back itches so I'm just going to back up to this here wall and slide up and down a lot thereby looking like a mean old groaning grizzley bear. Now that is a totally tactless act. You'll scare people off, and you have just compounded the tactless act by adding on a charge of social blunder for anybody who is thinking about asking those people for spare change.

Ladies should avoid walking rapidly on the street. You're going to knock somebody down with that fifty or so pound bag you're dragging along with you because the shelter you're staying at won't let you leave it there for the day. Besides, if you walk too fast, you won't be able to look at the ground for quarters and cigarettes and stuff other people walking fast have dropped. So, everybody....S L O W down!

Don't talk loudly on your cell phone. Not only another tactless act, but you really don't want anybody to know you have one of those things. Every streetpuppy in earshot will want to use it to call their dying cat or sick mother. Or somebody will just steal it while you're bending down to pick up a quarter on the street. And for heaven's sake, turn off that country and western, or hip hop or soft rock ring tone. It's just plain annoying...yet another violation of social norm.

Don't exhibit Cave man like behaviour. You know what I'm talking about. A cute girl walks by, and you guys go all, "Baby I'm the man for you." Real loud. It embarasses the girl, and what do you really think the chances are that she's going to give a tumble to a guy who's wearing last year's gucci sequin vest from the thrift store and matching 'found them in the dumpster' one size too large cuffed striped pants?

Don't overstay your welcome. Anywhere. Sleeping, eating, walking, window shopping, riding a bus or scratching. You do not want to attract the attention of the authorities. Any authorities. I don't care if it's the rent-a-creepy guy at the local 7-11. Just keep moving. You don't...and you'll have more to worry about than smoothing over an awkward or tactless act against the social norm blunder.

Don't talk with your mouth full. The other puppies will know you have food. You don't want that to happen. Not if you value all of your paws.

We will continue the etiquette lessons at a near future date. Right now, Miss Lucinda is having a swooning spell. All this hot sun and somebody with no manners knicked her lace parasol.