Ooooh, over the river and through the hoods to somebody's house we go!
Ok, party puppies. THE party down day of the year is nearly here, and if you have been invited to savor a fine meal, companionship, jocularity, and wine and song, we're here to help you make Thanksgiving a very special day.
One you will remember and cherish until next Thanksgiving Day.
If you can remember it at all.
Now, this is only for street puppies who have been invited to dine with civilians. At their abode.
We're not talking about a 'feed' and long lines of puppies, paper plates grasped in cold fingers, smiling faces behind long tables , and strong arms loading your plate with the usual fare, dressed up with,maybe, if you're lucky, real turkey, ham and sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie and at the very end of the table a take away bag with tooth paste, body wash, and socks and other stuff which can only remind you that you are not going away from the table to a sofa and sprawl away the afternoon watching a lot of guys dressed in knee pants and helmets beat up on each other.
No, you, you lucky puppy you, are going to an actual house, condo, co-op, trailer, or even an RV driven all the way down from Flint, Michigan to sit in a park the whole winter, while the driver watches a lot of guys dressed in knee pants and helmets beat up on each other.
Now, we have addressed this issue before - dining with civilians - but a refresher course is good when one considers that wherever you have been invited, you are representing every Street Puppy in homeless nation, and it is important to be on your best behaviour in that house, condo, co-op, trailer or RV.
How you got invited to the civilian abode is not important.
Most likely some kindly person got loaded one night, and talked to you for five hours at a saloon he stumbled into because he forgot where he had parked his car.
And even more likely, woke up the next morning in his abode, checked his voicemail to see if any messages were from the police asking him to come down for a chat about the place where his car had been towed from, and instead, found, to his horror, your message thanking you profusely for inviting him over for Thanksgiving dinner with the folks.
Like we said, doesn't matter. The die is cast. The toothpaste is out of the tube. The genie is out of the bottle.
Anybody who takes back an invitation to a holiday dinner with family is truly a churlish and mean person and he knows that, and right now, all he can think of is how to break the news to his wife that he has invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving.
If this civilian has extended the invitation to a gal he has met in a saloon, all bets are off. No amount of self loathing over being a churlish and mean man is worse than a divorce over the holiday season.
So. A few quick tips to get through the day. A day, which for you, if you haven't been in a true home in a long time, could be nerve racking.
Not to worry. The guy who invited you is kinda bent out of shape about it too.
Ok. First. Do not bring the back pack. leave it in the bushes outside his house if you have to, but don't even think of bringing that thing into a civilian's home.
Second. Clean up before you present your self at your host's door. And that includes the finger nails.
Even if you have to use TWO Wendy's washrooms to do it. And shave.
Third. Lose the hoody. Get a college sweat shirt from the local thrift shop. Harvard will do, but University of Michigan is better...it screams..."Clean Cut, wholesome... and not smarter than you, the dolt who lost your own car."
Fourth. Take a gift for the hostess. Anything....well, not a hygiene kit, or a blanket you got from the feed at the church, and nothing personal like a cheap bottle of cologne. And don't steal it. Bad karma.
Fifth. Be polite...V E RY polite. No chips on the shoulder, no whining, no staring at the old guy in the corner who is cursing at the cat. he's loaded, and probably doesn't know where he is anyway.
Sixth. No groveling. You've probably been in homeless nation long enough to know there's a lot of social climbing down going on. But, resist the impulse, when the platters are brought to the table, to moan in ecstacy..."My God! A real potato..." And other things which will unsettle anybody else at the table.
Seventh. If you drink at all...and you will notice some hesitancy at offering you a libation...say.."A beer would be fine." Period. And stick to it. Obviously, in some parts of homeless nation, offering a beer to a street puppy is like offering a donkey one oat. And you do your share of drinking, but don't even think about getting as loaded as your host...and the old guy in the corner.
Eighth. Don't scratch your ears out, don't pick the nose, don't eat like an underfed pit bull, and do NOT pick up a morsel of food with your hands.
If you are wondering why all of these pointers are numbered, it's so that you can use make notes of them on the inside of your shirt cuffs.
Ninth...and last...and most important, do not, under any circumstances, embroil yourself in any conversations which bear any resemblance at all to long simmering family feuds and rivalries and carefully nurtured grudges..these things always erupt at Thanksgiving family dinners. They are awkward, and can easily get out of hand, and you do not want to be remembered as the homeless guy who tried to solve a family fight by taking sides with that old guy in the corner.
Relax, have a good time, eat well, and smile a lot.
Then, thank everybody profusely and sincerely, make a fashionably early exit...and head straight for that bar where you met the host.
You've earned it.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
SHOW ME THE MONEY!
A guy's gotta eat.
And that's getting downright hard if ya live in one of the hundreds of municipalities in Homeless Nation who are shutting down panhandling as a way to bring in the dough.
Harder, if you don't receive any of those checks.
In these parts of Homeless Nation, those checks are called "Crazy Checks."
"Crazy Checks" because they are mostly Social Security Supplemental checks which are distributed to anybody who can prove to a government clerk and some government doctors that they are bonkers.
In all fairness, those checks are also distributed to people who have legitimate mental and physical disabilities, but an amazing number of street puppies get those checks because they have been able to prove to those government clerks and government doctors that they are indeed soft in the head, or chemically imbalanced in the head, or just plain ripped all the time on so many pain killers they have a hard time pointing at their own head without sticking their thumb in their eye.
An injury sustained whilst sticking your thumb in your eye does not constitute a physical disability, so don't even think about trying that one at home before you apply for the crazy check.
Those sharp-eyed government clerks and doctors would spot that one the minute you pointed to the eye with your other thumb.
Now, just about anybody can get food stamps.
All you need to get them is proof that you have no money, and you need to get some money in order to buy sandwiches and stuff as you can't buy hot food with food stamps.
But, the vast majority of food stamp recipients sell those things for half the amount on their food stamp card every month, and don't use them to eat anyway.
Then they use that money to pay their cell phone which was turned off due to no funds, or to pay the baby sitter while they are at the local dive filling up on whatever gets them over the funk they get into because they have no money.
Or to pay off the Mr. Jit who supplies them with rock and oxycodone and vicodin and stuff.
Those panhandling ordinances which started this whole conversation, are flying around this country at an amazing rate since people got tired of stepping over hundreds of street puppies all carrying signs telling you way too much information about their personal straits, and that they had left several starving children back in the bushes who were in dire need of cereal, shoes and ski caps.
Some of the street puppies have found ways around those panhandling ordinaces.
Like, selling bottled water, and roses made from palm tree fronds and toothbrushes.
Now, here's an even better idea for panhandlers if they can't get hold of enough bottled water, or are not artistically inclined enough to make those pretty roses, or have no idea what a tooth brush is anymore.
Treasure maps.
Yup. Treasure maps.
Sell treasure maps. Everybody wants something for nothing. And there's something romantic and mystical about a treasure map, which is a huge plus when you are selling to a gullible pedestrian or motorist who wants something for nothing.
Just draw a map of, oh say, the back alley near where you sleep. Make it look like it's really an inlet or a bay, preferably near water, that way, it will make it look like the treasure was buried there by pirates a long time ago.
Now, take that map to a copy place and run off fifty or so. And then weather the maps by stepping all over them. Then sleep on them for a night or so out there in your spot. That should do the trick.
They will be nice and moldy looking and smelly like something would be if it had been in somebody's attic for a hundred years with rats and bugs and stuff going to the bathroom on it.
Dress up in something that suggests a pirate's outfit. Complete with the patch over one eye. Don't carry a huge knife or sword, the popo will grab you up right away.
Then approach your customers, one on one. They need to think they have been singled out for this deal, kind of like those infomercials about the special lotions and face make up which makes everybody look like Angelina Jolie.
And, armed with the proper peddlers license, which you can buy for a few bucks, you should be able to sell enough of those bad boys to tide you over until you can think of a better way to bring in that extra cash.
Just remember, you will have to hit every corner in town over the course of a few weeks or months, depending on how big your town is.
And another thing, don't even think of going near the spot you used as a model for the treasure spot, when your clients find out they bought a bogus map of a back alley, they'll be looking for you, and you'll really end up needing that eye patch.
Which, actually is ok, too. Then you could find yourself the actual, legitimate recipient of the government check for an eye which you can no longer use.
And that's getting downright hard if ya live in one of the hundreds of municipalities in Homeless Nation who are shutting down panhandling as a way to bring in the dough.
Harder, if you don't receive any of those checks.
In these parts of Homeless Nation, those checks are called "Crazy Checks."
"Crazy Checks" because they are mostly Social Security Supplemental checks which are distributed to anybody who can prove to a government clerk and some government doctors that they are bonkers.
In all fairness, those checks are also distributed to people who have legitimate mental and physical disabilities, but an amazing number of street puppies get those checks because they have been able to prove to those government clerks and government doctors that they are indeed soft in the head, or chemically imbalanced in the head, or just plain ripped all the time on so many pain killers they have a hard time pointing at their own head without sticking their thumb in their eye.
An injury sustained whilst sticking your thumb in your eye does not constitute a physical disability, so don't even think about trying that one at home before you apply for the crazy check.
Those sharp-eyed government clerks and doctors would spot that one the minute you pointed to the eye with your other thumb.
Now, just about anybody can get food stamps.
All you need to get them is proof that you have no money, and you need to get some money in order to buy sandwiches and stuff as you can't buy hot food with food stamps.
But, the vast majority of food stamp recipients sell those things for half the amount on their food stamp card every month, and don't use them to eat anyway.
Then they use that money to pay their cell phone which was turned off due to no funds, or to pay the baby sitter while they are at the local dive filling up on whatever gets them over the funk they get into because they have no money.
Or to pay off the Mr. Jit who supplies them with rock and oxycodone and vicodin and stuff.
Those panhandling ordinances which started this whole conversation, are flying around this country at an amazing rate since people got tired of stepping over hundreds of street puppies all carrying signs telling you way too much information about their personal straits, and that they had left several starving children back in the bushes who were in dire need of cereal, shoes and ski caps.
Some of the street puppies have found ways around those panhandling ordinaces.
Like, selling bottled water, and roses made from palm tree fronds and toothbrushes.
Now, here's an even better idea for panhandlers if they can't get hold of enough bottled water, or are not artistically inclined enough to make those pretty roses, or have no idea what a tooth brush is anymore.
Treasure maps.
Yup. Treasure maps.
Sell treasure maps. Everybody wants something for nothing. And there's something romantic and mystical about a treasure map, which is a huge plus when you are selling to a gullible pedestrian or motorist who wants something for nothing.
Just draw a map of, oh say, the back alley near where you sleep. Make it look like it's really an inlet or a bay, preferably near water, that way, it will make it look like the treasure was buried there by pirates a long time ago.
Now, take that map to a copy place and run off fifty or so. And then weather the maps by stepping all over them. Then sleep on them for a night or so out there in your spot. That should do the trick.
They will be nice and moldy looking and smelly like something would be if it had been in somebody's attic for a hundred years with rats and bugs and stuff going to the bathroom on it.
Dress up in something that suggests a pirate's outfit. Complete with the patch over one eye. Don't carry a huge knife or sword, the popo will grab you up right away.
Then approach your customers, one on one. They need to think they have been singled out for this deal, kind of like those infomercials about the special lotions and face make up which makes everybody look like Angelina Jolie.
And, armed with the proper peddlers license, which you can buy for a few bucks, you should be able to sell enough of those bad boys to tide you over until you can think of a better way to bring in that extra cash.
Just remember, you will have to hit every corner in town over the course of a few weeks or months, depending on how big your town is.
And another thing, don't even think of going near the spot you used as a model for the treasure spot, when your clients find out they bought a bogus map of a back alley, they'll be looking for you, and you'll really end up needing that eye patch.
Which, actually is ok, too. Then you could find yourself the actual, legitimate recipient of the government check for an eye which you can no longer use.
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