SHOW ME THE MONEY!

A guy's gotta eat.

And that's getting downright hard if ya live in one of the hundreds of municipalities in Homeless Nation who are shutting down panhandling as a way to bring in the dough.

Harder, if you don't receive any of those checks.

In these parts of Homeless Nation, those checks are called "Crazy Checks." 

"Crazy Checks" because they are mostly Social Security Supplemental checks which are distributed to anybody who can prove to a government clerk and some government doctors that  they are bonkers.

In all fairness, those checks are also distributed to people who have legitimate mental and physical disabilities, but an amazing number of street puppies get those checks because they have been able to prove to those government clerks and government doctors that they are indeed soft in the head, or chemically imbalanced in the head, or just plain ripped all the time on so many pain killers they have a hard time pointing at their own head without sticking their thumb in their eye.

An injury sustained whilst sticking your thumb in your eye does not constitute a physical disability, so don't even think about trying that one at home before you apply for the crazy check.

 Those sharp-eyed government clerks and doctors would spot that one the minute you pointed to the eye with your other thumb.

Now, just about anybody can get food stamps.

All you need to get them is proof that you have no money, and you need to get some money in order to buy sandwiches and stuff as you can't buy hot food with food stamps. 

But, the vast majority of food stamp recipients sell those things for half the amount on their food stamp card every month, and don't use them to eat anyway.

Then they use that money to pay their cell  phone which was turned off due to no funds, or to pay the baby sitter while they are at the local dive filling up on whatever gets them over the funk they get into because they have no money. 

Or to pay off the Mr. Jit who supplies them with rock and oxycodone and vicodin and stuff.

Those  panhandling ordinances which started this whole conversation,  are flying around this country at an amazing rate since people got tired of stepping over hundreds of street puppies all carrying signs telling you way too much information about their personal straits, and that they had left several starving children back in the bushes who were in dire need of cereal, shoes and ski caps.

Some of the street puppies have found ways around those panhandling ordinaces. 

Like, selling bottled water, and roses made from palm tree fronds and toothbrushes.

Now, here's an even better idea for panhandlers if they can't get hold of enough bottled water, or are not artistically inclined enough to make those pretty roses, or have no idea what a tooth brush is anymore.

Treasure maps.

Yup.  Treasure maps.

Sell treasure maps.  Everybody wants something for nothing.  And there's something romantic and mystical about a treasure map, which is a huge plus when you are selling to a gullible pedestrian or motorist who wants something for nothing.

Just draw a map of, oh say, the back alley near where you sleep.  Make it look like it's really an inlet or a bay, preferably near water, that way, it will make it look like the treasure was buried there by pirates a long time ago. 

Now, take that map to a copy place and run off fifty or so.  And then weather the maps by stepping all over them.  Then sleep on them for a night or so out there in your spot. That should do the trick.

They will be nice and moldy looking and smelly like something would be if it had been in somebody's attic for a hundred years with rats and bugs and stuff going to the bathroom on it.

Dress up in something that suggests a pirate's outfit.  Complete with the patch over one eye.  Don't carry a huge knife or sword, the popo will grab you up right away.

Then approach your customers, one on one.  They need to think  they have been singled out for this deal, kind of like those infomercials about the special lotions and face make up which makes everybody look like Angelina Jolie.

And,  armed with the proper peddlers license, which you can buy for a few bucks, you should be able to sell enough of those bad boys to tide you over until you can think of a better way to bring in that extra cash.

Just remember, you will have to hit every corner in town over the course of a few weeks or months, depending on how big your town is.

And another thing, don't even think of going near the spot you used as a model for the treasure spot, when your clients find out they bought a bogus map of a back alley, they'll be looking for you, and you'll really end up needing that eye patch.

Which, actually is ok, too.  Then you could find yourself the actual, legitimate recipient of the government check  for an eye which you can no longer use.