The USDA does not have diplomatic relations with Homeless Nation.
We mean to take that up with our own diplomatic relations office. As soon as they get out of jail for trespassing on your porch.
In the meantime, seeing as how we cannot communicate with the USDA, and bowing to increasing pressure from hospital ER's, free clinics, the local 7-11 owner who has far too much merchandise swiped from his counters by Streetpuppies, and people just tired of looking at their local panhandler who is usually emaciated, we have put our heads together to come up with dietary guidelines for Streetpuppies so that we can all eat better, feel better, look better, and stop swiping food from the local 7-11.
Now, at the top of the food group list, we are going to include all of the things one finds on the USDA pyramid (see above) and lump it into one group.
DUMPSTER DIVING. Yes, you can find all of those pyramid foods in any dumpster. Especially behind restaurants, and in the alleys behind the houses of the middle and upper middle class. However, you need to check the expiration dates. If there is no such date on the food you find in that ratty old dumpster, just smell it. If the aroma doesn't knock you on your butt, it's ok. Also, watch out for anything that is green, and make sure that it is naturally green and not covered with mold. Mold is not a food group except for other molds. Ditto for gray.
NASTY BOLOGNA SANDWICHES. They are plentiful and easily recognizable as they all come in little brown paper bags given out at every feed and sometimes just randomly on the street from some well meaning citizen who is feeling guilty about something and goes into his kitchen to make something nice for the little homeless people. Usually they have little pieces of mystery cheese sticking out the sides. Now, take that sandwich, stick it in your backpack, let it simmer a few days until the bologna curls up outside the bread. Yum.
TOBASCO SAUCE. Take it along with you to every feed. And slather it onto every dish you eat there. It will enable you to swallow the stinkiest and runniest casserole there, and it is a natural germ killer so it is a great help in keeping you out of the ER with a savage case of food poisoning. Also put it on the bologna sandwich...for the same reason.
POTATO CHIPS AND FRITOS. We lumped these two into one group because when your swiping them from the 7-11, you're usually moving so fast it is hard to distinguish between the two gaily colored packages. Chips will hold you over until the next nasty bologna sandwich. In fact, save some of them until you eat that next nasty sandwich, and put them on top of the bologna and cheese and and tobasco.
BEER. Oh, come on now. Surely you have heard all of the rumors of people panhandling for beer. They're true, and for good reason. First, the beer takes the pressure of feeling lost and alone and hungry right away, and replaces those feelings with a warm buzz which spreads all through your body and makes you think you are king of the world, and what the hell about your phone being turned off, and losing your shoes last night, and having a a savage case of savage food poisoning,and all that, who cares...you have...BEER!
ASPIRIN. You're gong to need it to take care of that headache you got from all that beer last night.
However, given your current diet, you will probably have developed an ulcer, and aspirin is a no no for an ulcer, so you're out of luck, unless you don't mind if your stomach is being eaten away.
On second thought, maybe that's a good idea. No stomach. No food groups required. No problem.
Bon Appetit!
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