I'M FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND I'M HERE TO HELP.

Our late President, Ronald Reagan said those were the nine most terrifying words in the English language.

He said those words were right up there with some other great fabrications like, "I gave at the office," and "The check is in the mail."

At the time, he was speaking to a bunch of farmers who were looking for help from him, seeing as how he looked like he knew something about the government.

And, no, silly, they didn't want him to pick corn or milk the cows or chase the geese around the farm. They wanted cold hard cash they needed to afford all that corn and milk and cheese and a decent goose and stuff like that for themselves, because everything they produced was going to the government anyway, so why not get some dough for it so they can buy their own corn, milk and a decent goose.

Makes too much sense is why. When you're dealing with the government and money, try not to make too much sense. You'll both go nuts and the government guy will be comfortable with that.

Here in homeless nation, we're surrounded by government agencies who are here to help us.
And as we know in homeless nation, when you're surrounded, there's no way out.

And you might call the whole exercise of trying to extract moneyfrom any government agency who is here to help you, Gag Me With a Voucher.

Let's say, you are homeless because you have fallen on hard times, and need help with, oh, let's say, shoes. Ok, you go to the government person who represents the agency who can help you get some shoes, because it's winter, and your feet are so cold you cannot feel them. Not good for getting on the bus, you'll stumble and fall onto the driver, and he'll call the po po and have you arrested for indecent exposure of the white toes sticking up through the tattered shoes.

Ok, so time to get some shoes. Only one thing. After you wait for five hours to see the shoe guy in the government office you went to because their name was on the back of a match book from the Red Lantern Gentleman's Club that you found on the floor of the men's room at the bus station, he looks up from cleaning his dentures and yells, "Hey, git outa here, you ain't got no shoes on!" And sure enough, you look down, and the tattered shoes have fallen totally off your frozen tootsies.

So, you git. All the way to the back of the line and wait another two hours. Then you see the receptionist again, and explain the situation, and that you really do have to see the shoe guy. She looks at you with great pity in her eyes, shakes her head, says, 'tsk tsk, honey, you need to see you the shoe guy for that."

And you say, "I know that, I was just there, and he told me to leave because I didn't have any shoes on." She looks down at your really ugly feet, and recoils in disgust and says, "Well, we're going to have to get you some shoes, then, honey. Here, take this voucher.

You grasp the voucher in your hand, and sure enough, it says, "Voucher." Doesn't say voucher for what, but you're still taking their word for it because they're from the government. So you say meekly, "Ok, but where do I take it?" And she says "Go outside, take a right, walk ten blocks and you'll see a little pink building with iron bars on all the windows, a squad car and two armed policemen out front. thats the the 'here take this voucher' building. And then she gives you one of those, sick smiles you usually see on the face of your cat when he's toying with his catch of the day. And then and there, you know where you have seen her before.

Somewhere, someplace.. on a wanted poster. You wonder if you're on the right track here. Or maybe you've wandered into the Twilight Zone.

But, you go outside and take a right and trudge down the street and sure enough. There is the 'here, take this voucher' building. And the armed policemen and the squad car. You pull your pant legs way down so they cover your white frozen toes, and you can avoid arrest.

Inside the 'here take this voucher' building, you peek through the dim light and see...another line. Ok, but you need the shoes, you'll have to stick it out until they can see you, and hope you won't be too late for curfew at your shelter. They will beat you with shiny black whips if you are, and your frozen white toes might crack off under the pressure if you don't get the shoes.

Finally, finally, you get to the front of the line. Success, and you have a whole ten minutes to get to your shelter, before the shiny black whips are pulled out.

You hand the voucher to the clerk. He stares at it and says."What's this?"

You say, "Um, it's a voucher." And he gives you the same sickly smile you got from miss wanted poster back in the other building, and says, "I really can't help you." And you say, "WHY NOT???" and he says, ""Sir, I cannot take this voucher, unless you have a referral for the voucher."

And you say, "A referral?" And he says, "Yes, sir, a referral."

Suddenly you remember the armed policemen outside the door, and you let go of the thing in your pocket you want to stick down this turkey's throat, and say, "ok, where do I get a referral?"
And he says. "Well, that would be the referral for a voucher building." And you say, "Where's zat?" And he says it's straight down the street to the bus stop, take the number 2 bus five miles up and get off at the little brown building right next to the city zoo."

And you think, ok I may as well, I need the darn shoes and I'll at least miss the beating at the shelter. Oh, and I'll miss that mixed rotgut stew they serve after prayers, too.

So you say, "Fine, sir, but I will need a bus pass to do that, my feet are too frozen to walk."

And he says, "No, no can't do that.....unless you have a form from your shelter requesting a voucher."

You stare at him like Babe the Blue Ox. Words tumble through your head like they can't quite shake hands in order to form a sentence. Voucher, referral, form....no, referral, form voucher...um, nope, oh, got it, form, voucher, referral. You're ready to eat your own eyebrows.

Wait, he's saying something to you. He's saying, "Sorry, sir, you'll have to come back tomorrow, we're closed for the day. And, sir, we'll let it go this time, but please, when you come back, wear some shoes, regulations you know."